To My Childhood Sweetheart

(Hi Mom.)

On August 17th 1995, my best friend, my soulmate, my other half was born. I didn't know till a long time after we met that I would want to spend the rest of my life with this goofball, but better late than never. So, today's post is dedicated to Jason, the guy who puts up with me and makes me laugh. 

I don't think I've ever actually put into words our story - how we met, the rocky path we took to get to a relationship. I'll do my best to relay it.

Jason and I met during the 7th grade (about 7 years ago now), ironically in gym class. Jas says he saw me first, across the field where we were being forced to run the timed mile. He says, "thats when he knew." That it was love at first sight for him. Which, I mean, kuddos to him, because I know what I look like running and it is not pretty. 

We became fast friends, having similar senses of humor and laid back introvert spirits. I developed a crush on him rather quickly, evidence being that I gave him my number TWICE, in each year in middle school when I wrote in his yearbook. But nothing ever happened, as it tends to during that pre-teen period. Both of us were used to being picked over for the more popular people and those who'd had a less of a hard time with puberty; so its safe to say that neither one of us was on the most confident end of the spectrum when it came to middle-schoolers. 

After Middle School ended, Jason and I pretty much stopped talking. He'd never taken my phone number and USED IT - like I had suggested by writing it in his year book, and so our only connection came the next time we had a class together, which wouldn't be until junior year of high school. Though, I do have a vivid memory of us sitting in the gym at the moving up ceremony, right at the end of sophomore year. I was sitting in the row behind him with my friends, and he in front. I must have stared a hole into the back of his head. Because eventually he glanced over his shoulder, saw me, and smiled, a blush setting in. That's when I'd decided I wanted to date him. Like REALLY date him. Not this middle school crush crap, but like the hot stuff - like holding hands. Because at this point, I'd never really dated anyone, and the idea of our shoulders touching got me excited - it still does, especially now that I've picked up and moved across the country, I really miss those things I started to take for granted one we were dating.

Over that summer, between sophomore year and junior year, I texted Zach, Jason's best friend whose number I did have. Because for some reason it's fine to have other guys' numbers if you're not interested in them - no offense Zach, you remind me way to much of my brother. I texted Zach, specifically asking for Jason's number. I was not a student of the subtle arts at this point in the game and I just needed to make contact. Establish a foundation. On Jason's side, he recounts having been in Safeway with Zach when he received the said text. And thus began a summer of random texts and conversations, never actually seeing each other in person of course, which was the style at the time. 

Junior year came and we managed to have our English together - our first class together since Middle School. Our table in class consisted of the best four people in the world: Me, Jason, Zach, and Elly - all of whom I consider my best friends to this day. Zach was our designated middle man though. All possibilities of anything romantic and flirting mainly flowed through Zach's capable hands. Early on in junior year, I'd pushed Jason pretty hard with flirty, "subtle" texts and just constant conversation so he wouldn't forget me. Little did I know I had nothing to worry about. This kid had been thinking about me since Day 1. 

The Homecoming Dance was the push Jason needed to finally ask me out. After some obvious texts where I asked him about his homecoming plans, and he asked me if anyone had asked me, I subtly replied, "I'm waiting for Batman" (at this point I should probably mention Jason is obsessed with all things Batman related). After that text came silence that was only a few minutes long but felt like eterenity to me. Then, he asked me out on a movie date. Granted, it wasn't homecoming, but it was still a date nonetheless. He took me to see Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark, which was playing at our local AMC in IMAX. Not only did I very much just want to go on a date with this kid, he was taking me to see a image enhanced Harrison Ford. We were off on a good start. 

Thats when things started feeling real, and I, my moody, erratic, teenage self faltered, and something new was born. I call him my little devil. It was one thing to flirt back and forth and chase Jason around in circles. It was another thing entirely to actually start dating. I'd never gotten this far in my plans before. I was used to chasing boys around to no avail, now suddenly, someone had taken my bait and was hooked on. 

The movie went well. I remember us meeting outside after our last period, over by the My Favorite Muffin parking lot right beside the school. We were a good 2 and a half hours early for our movie showing, which he'd already pre-bought the tickets for. So we sat in the lobby, long before the showing previous Indiana Jones had let out, awkwardly chit chatting while Jason ate a tray of nachos. 

When the movie did start, about 20 minutes in I noticed Jason's phone light up. It was then I knew the movie wasn't the only thing we would be doing that day. This kid was a schemer, he still is, and he likes to go out with a bang. That's something I love about Jason, he's the biggest romantic I know. He doesn't let a day go by without proclaiming his love to me and reminding me just how special I am. I really am lucky. After his phone lit up, I still had about 2 hours before I would find out that in the parking lot, Jason's car had been decorated with signs, balloons and flowers for me to stumble upon once we walked out. Hiding in the bushes was Jason's brother and sister, Josh and Mandy, and their friend Pierce. I should probably explain, as per 2012 high school culture, the tradition to asking a girl to homecoming usually took form in filling her car with balloons, writing on the window and surprising her with flowers with some bad pun written on a sign. Jason was no exception to this rule. 

But since I did not have a lisence, or a car, Jason decided to use his own. Around his small, white car were signs taped to the window saying, "Would you be the Rachel to my Batman?" with balloons and flowers of course. After muttering to myself that Rachel ends up dying, I, a full spectrum of reds in the face, sputtered a, "yes." After that, he drove me home, helped me into the house with all of my goodies and we parted ways. 

This is the part of the story that gets a little bit sad, and I, the writer, become somewhat of a anti-hero. I can blame it on my pubescent hormones, but what happened after Jason asked me to homecoming is nothing less than my little devil taking control. Mentally and emotionally, I checked out completely. I did a 180 and decided I didn't know what the hell I was doing and didn't deserve this boy who lavished me with more attention than I'd ever received. I'd decided, within the span of the week preceding the dance, that I didn't like this boy and that the best way to get him to leave me alone was to cold shoulder him. It hurts me to think back on this time, to know the pain I put Jason through, to look back on my cowardice and realize what a good thing I was ruining. 

We went to the dance nevertheless, and I was a horrible date. Jason won't say it, but I remember. We went with a big group of my friends, not one of who Jason was really acquainted with. And I pretty much ignored him the entire date. He still paid for my meal, took pictures together, but off camera I didn't talk to him hardly at all. Through dinner I relied more on the other people in the group, barely making eye contact with Jason. It was when we were forced onto the dance floor in the muggy, dim litted high school gym, that we looked at each other and realized the exact same thing: neither of us wanted to be there. Neither of us enjoyed dancing, remotely, and we were finding it very hard to be social and not stick out like a sore thumb. Within 15 minutes of standing in that packed gym, Jason asked me if I wanted to go see a movie. 

Teachers attempted to sway us back towards the dancing and 'fun' but Jason and I were now dead set on returning to his car and driving straight over to AMC, away from all the teenage merriment and awkward first dates. I figured, at least during a movie we wouldn't have to talk. We of course went to the first movie that was playing: Batman. We received a ton of weird looks from the rest of the people in the theater because we were still in our semi-formal homecoming outfits. So we sat there, thankful to be anywhere but the dance. And while I had been persuading myself to cut Jason out of my life after that night, I remember faltering while the movie went on. I was happy sitting there, beside him, feeling his presence as we watched a movie. Just us, in a little bubble, together. I remember thinking the entire time that I wanted nothing more than for him to hold my hand. The thought never really crossed my mind that I was more than capable of reaching over and holding HIS hand. 

And so, the movie ended, no hands were held, Jason drove me home and I cut off contact for what would be more than a year. There's nothing more I regret in my short life, than that year of radio silence I projected to Jason. I well up with tears thinking about it. Because I knew it hurt him. I think that's why I did it. I'd completely manage to enrapture this boy, run him through an obstacle course of emotions and then completely leave him hanging there, crying out for help. 

I don't know how he ever managed to forgive me. I still don't. Because even after a year of silence, I wasn't done putting him through the ringer. Before we started officially dating, I would put him through even more pain. But we'll get to that.

Left: Homecoming 2012 Right: Valentines 2015

Left to Right 1st Photo: Mandy (Jason's sister), Jason, Me

Left to Right 2nd Photo: Me, Jason, Zach, Mandy

So. Senior Year. It was the last semester when I lowered my shields and stopped avoiding him. Up to that point I was racked with so much guilt and cowardice that whenever I would see Jason in the halls at school, I would walk the other way. Out of my way to avoid him. If he texted me, I would delete it right away, pretending I hadn't even seen it. And he didn't text me often. I think it was twice that he tried, and then realized I wasn't intending on getting back to him. Which I know hurt him beyond words. I'd lead him on. And I hated myself for it - still do. 

But finally, we were there. Last semester of senior year, me with plans to run off to Oregon with my best friend Emily. My shields lowered because I figured, "I'll be gone soon anyways." I was TAing for the Drawing Teacher, Mrs. Wilson, and Jason was in Honors Ceramics. The rooms are connected to each other and we often found ourselves in the room between them. Me, grading papers and filing, and him on a wheel, throwing clay and working on ceramics projects. Our conversations started over worrying over our Senior Projects - the thing that would give an entire class of seniors ulcers. And slowly moved onto safe topics like our mutual love for Disney. 

Good ole Zach came into the picture again, being our safe buffer as we planned the first activity we would do together outside of school in almost 2 years: Disney Trivia night - something we had done before, right after Homecoming junior year. It was May 4th 2014 - I remember because everyone was saying, "May the fourth be with you." I was going over to Jason house, and we were going to play Disney trivia and then watch Star Wars. 

Two months later, we had been spending many days out of the week together. I had decided not to move to Oregon and Jason was staying put as well. Zach was still our safety buffer, almost always present during hangout sessions, almost like a parol officer. It was right around July 4th that the little devil on my shoulder woke up and looked around, surveying the life I had been building in his absence. And he wasn't happy with any of it. At this point, I was pretty sure Jason was it. He was going to be my boyfriend. The end all be all. The little devil on my shoulder decided that wasn't acceptable and that I needed to self destruct immediately. Everyone around us had kind of accepted that we were going to be a thing. My parents were convinced we were already a thing and I just wasn't telling them. 

So with my little devil taking over, rather than telling Jason face to face that I wasn't ready for anything serious, I decided to text him everything I was feeling. Classy. I honestly can't remember what bullshit I came up with that I thought would, "let him down easy." Nothing I could have said would have made the landing any less turbulent. I said something about how I didn't want to date, but how I wanted to stay friends - cause I'm unoriginal.  But I really did want to stay friends. By this point he was the closest thing I had to a best friend. I had no idea that that night I'd broken him. It wasn't until months after we actually started dating, that Jason would even slightly talk about that night with me. Which was fine because I didn't want to talk about it either. He had been in the car when I texted him, nowhere near home. When he got my texts, he made Josh, his brother, pull over the car. He got out and just kept walking. I'd done it again. I'd reeled him in, made him jump through hoops and left him dangling. 

After a week of recovery from my not-so-classy breakup-though-we're-not-even-dating-breakup, Jason and I resumed our roles as friends. Luckily, it didn't take too much longer for Jason to help me smother the little devil on my shoulder. And it really was Jason that did it. Next time I decided I wanted to date him, it would have to be me that walked the ball very slowly, like I was handing it off to a scared deer, into his court. Without Jason's continuous friendship and support, I don't think the little devil on my shoulder would be dead. But I'm glad he is. 

When Fall started, Jason and I had a class together at Arapahoe Community College. We were taking ceramics together, along with our friend Elly, who was there at the beginning of it all. It was September 23rd 2014 when Jason picked me up from my house before class one day. The night before Elly, Zach, Jason and I had all been at his house watching movies. By that point, I had told Elly how I felt, all the confusion and guilt I was bringing with me. I told Zach the same things. I know Zach relayed my fears and feelings to Jason, that's what Zach did. He told us things we weren't ready to tell each other face to face. That night I was the first one to leave, and I know the other two stayed behind and talked with Jason. Because the next morning, Jason walked up to my door and asked me to sit with him on the porch. 

As we sat, he pulled something out of his backpack. A comic book. He gripped it tightly, the plastic crunching and shifting in his hands. Then he looked at me. He said, "Sam. This is the first comic book I ever bought. It's what started my collection. I wouldn't trust it with just anyone. But if you were to be my girlfriend, I would trust it with you. Would you be my girlfriend and keep it safe for me?"

There was a nervous energy in the air. I couldn't even imagine what he must be thinking. I'd rejected him twice. Over the span of three years. And here he was, trying a third time. What could I possibly say that would make up for all the pain and rejection I'd caused him?

"Sure, I guess." I am nothing, if not the master of deflecting my feelings.

Since September 23rd, I have never been happier. I haven't looked back, and I'm glad Jason hasn't either. Even through all the heartbreak and confusion, Jason finally managed to take my hand and walk me towards a future I never imagined. I've never smiled more, I've never laughed more. We fell in love. Though, I think Jason fell a long time ago. Why else would he have kept trying? I'm glad he did though.

I'm lucky for a lot of things in life, this I know. I'm lucky to have been born in the time period I was born, I'm lucky to have been born into the most loving and supportive family. But most of all, I'm lucky in love. By the time I was 19 I had found my soulmate. How many people can say that? And he really is my other half. Being apart from him these first few weeks of college have been the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss him, more than words could ever describe. But I know I don't have to worry, because he'll be back home waiting for me. He promised. And I promised too. Happy Birthday to my best friend, the love of my life - my Jason.