Medical Issues

Hi Mom.

Guess who woke up with Pink Eye.

Bet ya can't guess which eye it is. Just kidding. So went over to the Health Services building for my first walk in. Filled out the usual new patient forms and waited. 

Then, something else happened while I was in the office. Something that really scared me. The nurse took me through all the usual tests of temperature, heart moniter and then the blood pressure test, the things I have come to expect when I sit down in a doctor's office. I didn't think anything of it. That is, until my nurse did a double take at the monitor and asked me if I'd ever had high blood pressure before.

I've had body image issues for a long time (what girl doesn't), long before my BMI became an issue. But I never really took it seriously because all of the mixed messages a girl can get, "don't change yourself for someone else's idea of beautiful!" "beauty is on the inside!" And while I am blessed to be surrounded by loving and supportive people, those messages at the time helped but made me stop watching myself. I'd eat a thing of ice cream and smile and think, 'I deserved this.' And now its biting me in the butt. I don't care how pretty people think I am. My image in no way affects you. But the fact that this is now affecting my health scares me. And yes, while the stress of being at a new, rigorous college can add onto that, I know its not the only factor.

When I was doing my senior project, I was more stressed than I have ever been in my life. I had thought I'd had a ulcer from it, yet my blood pressure was fine. I can blame the different birth controls and Accutane, which I was on during my freshman and sophomore year of high school, all I want for my weight gain. But the fact of the matter is I wasn't even trying. I never exercise. I'd have weeks here and there where I would do it regularly then stop for a year and try again then stop for a year. I eat a lot of crap. Like wow. That's a whole other can of worms. The point is. This has been happening for a while. Years. And I let it creep up on me, never wavering because, "Hey, your looks don't matter." And as a teenager I equated looks with weight. 

It also has to do with my height. For any other average sized person, 140 pounds isn't that bad. It's actually usually a healthy weight to be at. But when you're 4'10...your frame starts to wear from that extra baggage. You wouldn't give a child the 50 pound suitcase to carry through the airport, they would drop it and hurt themselves; you'd give it to the full grown man. My weight to frame ratio is no different. While I am capable of carrying this suitcase, it won't be long until it wears me out completely, and I'd like to drop it off at the checkin desk long before it crushes me....that may not be the best metaphor. 

So. It begins. For real. And I struggle to say that seriously because of all my other attempts at getting in the habit of eating better and exercising regularly. Maybe blogging will help. I don't really know. All I know is that when the nurse told me I had high blood pressure, after testing me twice just to double check that it wasn't the monitor, I got scared and very ashamed. I don't want to sound overdramatic. It's not like I'm dying. But if I don't take care of myself now when will I? Why wouldn't I keep putting it off like I have? In the past it's been, "well I love myself for me and my body, no matter its shape." This change I want to undertake isn't about vanity, or my belly or the stretch marks. It's about being healthy and unafraid. I'm tired of being afraid. 

On a lighter note, I did get my medicine for my pink eye so that's already feeling better.